We just keep going
It feels like it’s been awhile. I posted something (which I wrote up pretty quickly; unusual for me) just over a month ago, so it really hasn’t been very long. The problem is that I have been doing no writing on the side; usually I’m at least drafting something. It gets thrown out a lot, or I revamp it into something else entirely, but that’s all part of the process. This month, the words did not come. There is a lot going on, and writing would be a great way to process all this except, yeah, the words did not come.
So let’s break down some of the things that are going on:
My job is overwhelming at the moment
My country has me filled with fear
I have mixed feelings about my running goals this year
Abstract
Reality (Just another frigid early morning at a trailhead)
As far as my job goes, I do not have much to say here. There are new projects coming in (good!) though I am justifiably nervous about the number of projects I work on that receive federal funding (what’s the over/under that our new administration thinks bike infrastructure is worth investing in? At this point, I expect that we’ll be required to put machines along all bike and pedestrian pathways that blast carcinogens at everyone using them - OH WAIT we already do that, they are called cars.) We also had some staffing changes this year and at a small company, the impact is very noticeable. A lot of my work is engaging, and for that I like it, but it is also overwhelming.
On the second point, I doubt I’ll ever write anything entirely on politics, not because it isn’t really important, but because there are other people much more educated on the subject writing great pieces already, and I’d rather this be my little escape from harsh realities. I do feel like I should say though, in case any readers here had any doubt as to where I stand: I am appalled and disgusted with the leaders of my country and those who voted for them, and I do not support their blatant attack on civil rights. Diversity makes us stronger. Trans rights matter. Restricting access to women’s healthcare is abhorrent and evil. Vaccines save lives. Science and education must be valued. Care about other people! I’m so sad that I have to say that.
I can speak better to my own experiences though, as they are mine. I mostly enjoy writing about running, but I’ve had a complete block on how to distill where I am currently. Because, currently, I’m on the start list for a difficult 100 mile race and I have been debating pulling the plug ever since signing up. Some illness and health issues are not helping, though I am (I think?) finally over that hurdle. I still don’t know how I want to talk about this yet. I was looking back in my notes, where I was jotting down disjointed thoughts, trying to get some semblance of a story to emerge, and I think I accidentally wrote a poem? I don’t actually know poetry, but I’ll leave you those unedited thoughts anyway:
Cold crisp morning
Or just cold crisp air
Each cycling step
Willing to pick up my legs a little bit more
Pedal forward
Why?
We don’t ask that
We just keep going
Why not?
Maybe that’s the bigger question
I don’t do well with why’s
If I wanted to feel, well, I did
Which is really all I want
All we ever want
Something to work towards
Something to believe in
I have no business
Being in this race
It’s not for me
For so many reasons
It’s not for me
And that’s why I’m here
Fiercely staring down that notion.
Only I get to choose what is for me.